Well, it's 5:20 am. Only 1.5 hours left of work. Here I sit hoping and praying that I can keep my eyes open until my relief gets here. Only 1.5 more hours and I can go curl up in my comfy bed and go to sleep.
At least, thats what I should do. But I won't. I won't because my sweet little princess will be waking up soon. 7:30, on the dot. I won't go to sleep because I miss her. I miss listening to her coo in her crib before I get her up. I miss her happy little morning self as she smiles and giggles for no reason. I miss snuggling with her while she has her breakfast. Rocking her and enjoying the peaceful quiet of the morning.
I won't go to sleep because I miss waking up my little man for school. I miss making him breakfast every morning..."toast and eggs please, Mom" I miss eating breakfast with him and talking about what the day might bring. These times go by way to fast, and I'm missing them.
Since returning to work these moments are very few and far between. I know that I should be getting some decent rest since I have to be back to work in 12 short hours for another long 12 hour shift but the guilt eats at me and I can't sleep. I feel guilty that I'm home but not spending time with my kids. How selfish of me to be sleeping while they wait for me to wake up to play. Selfish that I leave them with their Grandpa who has a million things to get done but doesn't do them so he can take care of my kids. How grateful we are for Grandpa!!
These feelings of guilt lead me to feel sad, then the sadness leads to anger. I'm angry that I have to go back to work instead of being able to stay home with my babies and watch them grow up. Anger turns into resentment. Resentment towards myself that I'm not a stay-at- home mom. Resentment towards my husband for not being able to 'provide' for us on his own. And then resentment back on myself for resenting my husband for something he can't control. Thats alot of dang resentment! Ugh, this is an evil evil cycle that I have no idea how to break.
The only thing I can think of is to sell our home and downsize, downsize, downsize. But then the selfish in my creeps back in and I don't want to give up my beautiful home or my awesome neighborhood. I don't want Parker to have to change schools. I don't want to move away from my family that are all so close. Enter resentment. Why do I have to be so selfish?? Is it wrong to want to live in a nice home with great neighbors in a neighborhood where I know for a fact that NOTHING EVER HAPPENS! A neighborhood where I feel safe letting my son play with all the other kids in the area. I don't have to worry that their parents are dealing drugs or commiting crimes or any of the other crazy stuff that I see happen on a daily basis.
So, for now, I'll live with these feelings and do my best to compensate for my absence. I'll squeeze in many more hugs and kisses and 'I love yous' when we're all together (including the hubs who doesn't get those things nearly as much as he deserves. He really is great!). I will resist the urge to say 'yes' to the overtime calls. I will not bring work home with me or allow it to alter my attitude at home. I will play extra hard and laugh extra long with my babies. We will snuggle, read, play, and snuggle some more. I may not be able to spend every waking minute with them but I WILL maximize every minute that we have together!
J, P and L... I love you to the moon and back!
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5 comments:
You are one of the LEAST resentful people I know .. and also one of the best mothers that I know. I don't all the way understand what your feeling .. But kind of do. Our work hours are long .. and demanding, and even when we leave; we often don't 'leave'. I am %100 certain that your little family loves you, understands & appreciates all you do for them! -- On the other hand, down sizing isn't always a bad thing. Everything will work out for the best :) -- and in the mean time, if you need any help with those little ones, Call me!
Wow. April, I could have been the one writing that! That is EXACTLY how I feel ..the only thing I can tell you is..be greatful for your 12 hour shifts! I know they make you a zombie..but the days off are soo nice!
Resentment and guilt are things I live with day to day..and you named EVERY thing that I feel. Soo..if you ever need to vent, feel free to wander over or call! (That..or we could plan some sort of huge, massive and most likely illegal scheme to make lots of money and be with our babies :) )
Oh April, you are far from being selfish!! Sweetie there are so many mom's out there that dont get enough sleep because of the same feeling they get when they try to rest. I am the same way, I sleep maybe 3 hours a night and am tired for the rest of the day. But I get to put food on the table for my kids, be in a home that is warm! If you ever need anything April, please call! I will come sit with the kiddos so your dad can do his things. We love you April!!
Thanks you guys! It feels better just vocalizing my feelings. I think there may be some big changes coming up for my family but I know things will work out. They have to!
April I feel almost exactly the same way! I try and cherish my days off, leave work at work and give the little people the attention they deserve but most the time I feel like I fall short. I'll add you to my list of people I intend to share my lottery winnings with.....
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